The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I just blew my weed a kiss
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
