you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
