So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
