peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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