she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
