i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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