I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
