I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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