Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
