Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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