Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
