Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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