i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize