I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
