I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
you inspire me to be a worse person
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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