I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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