At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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