she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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