All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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