i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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