good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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