If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
