This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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