Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Randomize
