Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm getting married
To pizza
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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