if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I want her autograph on my taint
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Randomize
