jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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