does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
