my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
