Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Randomize
