I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
