u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
