I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
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masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
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When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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