I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
