Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
