Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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