is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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