Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
