He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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