Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
