We need to start having sex underwater more often.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
