He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
