wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize