I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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