Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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