I cockslap morals
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
