I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
