Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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