I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
