now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
