he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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