Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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