If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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