how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
