There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
