I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
