I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just blew my weed a kiss
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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