today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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